The Roles we “Inhabit”

However awkward it may sound, I used the word “inhabit” because the usual formulation “the roles that we play” for many people denotes a lack of authenticity. Personally, the word “play” doesn’t bother me. I like to believe that there is an element of play in everything we do. Play invokes a feeling of flexibility, a buffer against over-identification with any one role. Having said that, I value authenticity very highly and therefore would like to avoid the impression that the following discussion refers to any role that is not grounded in a sincere wish to fulfill it according to the truth of our being.

When I speak of role I’m referring to being a parent, coach, driver, friend, tennis player etc. Each of these roles comes with its own set of rules and expectations that may differ depending on the cultural environment that we find ourselves in.

The issue that I’m interested in exploring today is about the boundaries between roles and the interplay with what we consider our true-self. Let me clarify. We can be at any time in the role of friend or employer. In both cases it is the same person in differing roles. In most cultures you will give a different response to an employee who is upset compared to the response to a friend who is upset. Why is this? Maybe your natural tendency is to put your arm around the persons shoulder and offer some verbal consolation. In North America, if you are a male employer consoling a female in this way you will likely think twice about the various legal and social implications of this inherently human gesture.

I imagine that across the globe equal numbers of people might feel that in such a case the consolation is appropriate, or not. Much of what determines that judgment is the social consensus around the behavioral expectations that we have regarding a specific role. Often those expectations are legally sanctioned, more often just part of the cultural mores and make-up of a society or particular sub-group.

So, how then do we manage those expectations across the many roles and sub-cultures that we encounter every day? In other words how do we stay true to ourselves while adhering sufficiently to the rules and expectations that govern a particular role within a particular context without becoming just the expression of that role? We all know the caricature of the CEO, who at the Christmas party surprises the attendees by showing a side of him or her that startles everybody in realizing that he/she is human after all. What is it that compels anybody to inhabit a role so rigidly that our true way of being doesn’t bleed through?

On the other hand we also know of those who inappropriately share intimate details of their lives in professional or formal settings. Who hasn’t had the experience of listening to somebody with curled toes, embarrassed for the other, but with the distinct feeling that somehow your boundaries are being crossed just by having to witness what to you feels as an inappropriate display of something or other?

It seems that most of us are quite expert at balancing the social requirements and expectations of our roles with the need to express who we are. Or are we? How much freedom of expression do you require in your roles to feel alive and true to yourself, and to what extent dare you act out that need? How is it received when you do it? Does it help or hurt your social functioning and standing?

I’m looking forward to hearing from you!

Value Parenting

My daughter graduated from high school about three weeks ago.

It is one of a thousand moments that you as a first time parent are not at all prepared for. It brings lots of pride, a measure of relief, but most of all overwhelming uncertainty, dread and questioning. She soon will be leaving for college. How will life be without her? Did we do enough to prepare her for life on her own?

The flashbacks are endless. The adorable baby, the cute toddler, headstrong, super sociable, smart…The pain- in- the- butt, never listening…or so it seemed. Still with that messy room, the boyfriend… Did we instill in her the values that we cherish and will carry her through life? Did she really get it?

Her answer as she wrote in her Father’s day card: “Dear Papi, thank you for giving me all of those wise and sometimes unwanted lectures. Little do you know, but they really stick with me. At the end of the day I’m really proud of you and the way you raised me…”

Sigh.., I guess I’ll have to take her word for it. Of course the more important question is if we modeled the values that I famously lectured about? While we do the best we can, we know that we never can live up to the best possible version of ourselves, and much less to the super- hero fantasy that lives in your ten year old’s mind. The day inevitably comes when you are painfully struck by the realization in her eyes that you are more akin to a limping mole in bright daylight, trying to find his way as best as he can through the unfamiliar territory of super- hero parenting.

How in fact, do we know that the values that we try to instill in our children are the ones that will help them find meaning and fulfill their life’s purpose? And what about the implicit value system behind this question itself; life has to have meaning and purpose? Who says? God? Me? You? The cultural soup we swim in? Or is it just the need of a hyper-active pre-frontal cortex to make- up stories to justify our urges, inclinations and tendencies? Or –somewhat less cynically- is it a way to make our short stay here palatable and allay our fears of the great unknown?

Just in case you’re curious. Some of the more important values we tried to instill in our daughter are (in no particular order): honesty, responsibility, caring for self and others, curiosity, empathy, spirituality, community, connectedness, kindness and tolerance.

It is my unbiased opinion 😉 that despite our failings as parents –and likely due to her innate temperament- many of these values are finding their expression in her interpersonal universe.

I would love to hear your thoughts and comments.

Welcome and Introduction

Welcome and thanks for your interest!

The intention is for this blog to be a forum in which we can have conversations about the things that give meaning to our lives.

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Raymond Ferrier and I run a coaching and consulting company called Raymond Ferrier Coaching and Consulting Associates (RFCCA for short). We provide coaching and consulting services to individuals and businesses in the areas of health & wellness, life-, executive-, and health-  coaching, ergonomics and interpersonal communication. You can learn more at RaymondFerrier.com.

I have been blessed to be able to blend my personal, academic and professional interests in the work that I do with my clients. From a relatively young age I have been consumed with questions that broadly speaking had to do with the relationship between the individual and his or her physical and social environment and its effect on our functioning. Having to deal with an early childhood move to a different country, brought the implications of culture and community in close -if not always pleasant- perspective. The questions that arose from this experience were the driving force behind my decision to earn my Masters degree in Sociology years later.

Being a very physical person, who loved to play sports, I also developed an intense interest in the inner workings of the body and the ways we can improve its function and performance. This eventually culminated in a career and doctorate in physical therapy.

Inevitably, those paths led to my third preoccupation; the workings of the mind and brain. The fairly new discipline of social neuroscience, to me, is at the crossroads of these interests that have had such tremendous influence on my life and career. Social neuroscience and its sidekick interpersonal neurobiology are the foundation on which much of my coaching work and my personal inquiries around the nature and meaning of  life is built.

It is my intention to share with you thoughts and questions that arise in the course of my work, life and study, around my quest to gain a better understanding of what makes us individually and collectively function in a healthier, happier and more meaningful way. It is my believe that this quest only has real meaning within the context of community. I request that you be part of my community.